Sometimes getting real turns in to word vomit

It is really disheartening to hear the entire city talking about the marathon this weekend.

Yes, I have a great reason for taking a DNS on the half and I’m excited about it, but when your hormones are crazy and solid food hasn’t agreed with you in a week it’s easy to lose perspective.  I’ve realized I spend an awful lot of time whining about how awful I feel and it’s really unbecoming.  Frankly, I’m more than a little disappointed in myself and I’m surprised my infertility blogger friends still want to talk to me.

I guess I thought pregnancy would be this instantly life changing, super incredible experience filled with sunshine and unicorns.  Turns out it’s mostly me trying to hide how much time I spend with my head in a toilet and the fact that none of my clothes fit.  I don’t think pregnancy will really be real to me until I feel the baby move and that’s a pretty long way off.

The thing is, when you want something for so long and give up all hope, it’s kind of hard to believe it’s happening to you.  Especially when it’s something so intangible.  Sure, I throw up every morning, but after that I spend all day double checking for blood because it feels too good to be true.  And I have a small anxiety attack every time I tell someone because I’m so afraid it will all go horribly south.

Does this ever pass?  Is this normal or is this a “I’m borderline insane and was told I couldn’t have kids” thing?

In other news, we are working our way through the old wives tales on gender.  I’m hoping to post those in a week and they are definitely almost all pointing in one direction so far.

In good, not crazy person news, husband was invited for a second interview at his “dream job” with an estate planning firm near the city (yeah, I don’t know how that’s anyone’s dream job, but I love him even if he likes things that are boring.  The man did just read Moby Dick for fun).  If this pans out we can buy our “baby” car, start looking at houses (we’ll move to a new suburb closer to the office), and finally relax about the fact that his student loans are due to start repayment in December.  And yes, I know I should stop planning my life around a job he hasn’t been offered yet, but I’m ridiculous.

The thing is, him getting a job is the only thing missing from our perfect life plan.  Yes, I still hate my job, but I graduate in June, so I can suffer through a little longer.  It just all feels too perfect and I am not an optimist, so I keep waiting for something to go horribly wrong (crap, we get bar results in 2 weeks).

I miss my therapist.  Too bad when I switched labs I no longer had time to see her.

I also miss running.  It let me air out all my crazy.

Anyone else always waiting for the other shoe to drop?  What’s the best thing to happen to you recently?  How do you remember to be thankful for the good things in your life?

Most importantly though, good luck to Kari, Kara, and Alyssa in their marathons tomorrow!  You guys are gonna rock it!